WHAT BIKE DO I NEED!?!?!?

I need some help. PROZAC would be a start, but not sure if it would take effect in the few weeks before the 24 Hours of Snowshoe so I am considering another route.....

I need a new bike.
Some basic laws of economics...The Law of Diminishing Returns, may apply here. Basically my old and tired Rocky Mountain BLizzard could use some help. Was thinking of putting front disc brakes on it, but that would require a new front wheel. Then it also needs a new bottom bracket, then add on the new pedals that I wants...
Well, you get the picture. A bike out of the box is starting to sound like a more sensible investment. But what to buy? I do not want to get all GUCCI and go for a Double Banger, thinking I will stay hardtail.....BUT! and I have a big BUTT! BUTT, I was seriously considering going to another 29 inch wheel bike, but I fear that the Karate Monkey would be a tad heavy once built up.

Any thoughts?

Any recomendations?

Anyone know anyone who rides/races a Karate Monkey as anything other than a single speed?

I GOTTA KNOW!
and I gotta act fast!

HOOK A BROTHER UP WITH THE 411!

give my fat ass the skinny!