4.12.2005

one of my many paradoxes... I am a very positive person with a very negative outlook

there was a time in my life where a friend and housemate dubbed me Bitterman
this wild character was convinced that if I were a superhero... that I would be known as Bitterman

not sure where my anger comes from
it is not clear why I have a chip on my shoulder
but both the anger and the chip are very much there

so often in life when a thousand random thoughts race through my brain
most often the thought that gets selected to come front and center is the negative one
recently I told myself to narrow the thoughts down and re-evaluate my final selection
thus altering my emotion by consciously selecting the positive thought rather than the negative


this sounds easy
but it is hard for a person to fight their nature
over the last 37 plus years of my life I have developed a certain perspective
dubbed cynical in by a seventh grade teacher that everyone thought was cool
behind dubbed cynical before I even knew its meaning

life shamefully presents paradoxes that allow me to waiver between the ultra-positive and the ultra negative
cycling, more specifically commuting can be one of these paradoxes of nature
the commute to and from work can be one of the greatest releases of my anger
while this same commute to and from work can also be one of the greatest source of my anger

on each daily commute I get to push the pedals around and around
traveling along on a beautifully efficient machine
on these rides I get to experience the season of the day
I love to experience of the day
hiking the dogs gives me an opportunity to experience the season of the day
then on top of that my daily commute gets to extend that experience one step further

so just as I get to breath in the spring air, get my heart rate up, move my legs, and take in a vision of the season around me
I also have to contend with people doing stupid people things
mainly people moving about in their cars
it would be fine if they were just moving around
it would be fine if they were just moving around and going around me
but too many cars each day try to go over or through me
it can really get to be rather tiring
the bumper pushing close to the rubber of my rear tire
the sound of an engine revving and a horn honking
all very aggravating for a situation that has enough aggravation as it is

so the paradox continues
each day on my short commute I have several incidents that show me that people are either idiots or assholes
most of which are assholes...
most of which are not complex enough to experience empathy
most of which are not bright enough to understand efficiency
most of which do not care if I live or die

so on these rides I ride defensively
often my defensive efforts are done in an offensive manor
offensive driving often offends the car drivers... especially the ones who were already trying to go through or over me
so I am forced to make decisions for them
making it clear where is safe to pass and where they must follow behind me
it is so tiring thinking for so many people other than yourself

so the negative and the positive thoughts battle it out in all aspects of life
never allowing there to be a perfect moment
being too realistic to ever pretend that there is ever a perfect moment
maybe a near perfect moment, but never a truly perfect moment

this negativity permeated into my Ashtanga Yoga class the other morning
it was a good morning
I was having a solid class after a pleasant morning
the morning had included children sleeping late (7:45), some fresh coffee (a morning must every morning) and a quick hike in the woods with the dogs (another every morning must)
as the class was winding down the session was closed with a little meditation
as we all were flat on our backs resting lifelessly on our mats with our eyes closed our instructor took us to a relaxing place
with a soft soothing voice she walked us by the cherry blossoms in full bloom then down to the white marble Jefferson memorial
from there we got into paddle boats and drifted
it was all very relaxing until we got into the paddle boats
she wanted us to drift and I wanted to paddle
then when I was not paddling my attention went from the inability to paddle to a dead fish floating beside my boat
all the while our instructor is taking us further into the meditation and relaxation with a distant perspective of the cherry blossoms in full bloom from the tidal basin
but my bitter cynical mind controls all thoughts... even my imagination
my imagination
my relaxation
my meditation
all infected and all poisoned by my need to stress the negative

this is something I aim to change

must control to make sure that a part does not control the whole

my life rocks
I am on a roll
currently riding the biggest and best wave of my life
my life is to be envied and coveted
yet somehow I know that if I won the lottery today... tomorrow I would still find something to complain about

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